A benefit of writing blogs is you can revisit your old self occasionally, check in, and compare notes. Since interviews seem to be the new black this week, I thought this would be a good time to see how things are going for myself circa August 2004.
But first, a disclaimer: when conducting an interview with your past self, you must be careful not to reveal any information about the future which might set your past self on an alternate timeline. You might be tempted, as Biff was in Back to the Future II for example, to send your past self future sports scores so your current self may reap the profits.
You might destroy the entire space-time continuum, or you may end up sending yourself crippling addictions to ketamine, nickel-plated revolvers, and expensive champagne. Don’t ask questions, that’s just how The Rule of Unintended Consequences works. It won’t end well.
With that in mind…
Me Now: Hey.
Me Circa August 2004: Hey.
MN: So, uh, election huh. How’s that working out?
MCA2004: Goddamn George motherfucking shitsucking Bush rat ass fucknut bullshit.
MN: Well, that was almost a sentence. I know who won that one, but I can’t tell you. Say, is that a pitcher of Sweetwater 420? Mind if I ask the waitress for a glass?
MCA2004: You can have a glass if you tell me who won.
MN: Okay. So how’s the job hunt going?
MCA2004: I sent out like six or seven resumes through Monster yesterday. Job market is shit. I don’t know why I even try anymore.
MN: I can’t imagine why anybody wouldn’t want to hire you.
MCA2004: Thanks dickhead.
Waitress: Can I bring your older brother another glass?
MCA2004: Yeah, sure, thanks.
MN: I think she likes you.
MCA2004: What am I going to do, take her to my parents’ house?
MN: Good point. Is there trivia tonight?
MCA2004: Nope. That’s Wednesdays.
MN: Oh, right. They hadn’t moved it yet.
MN: Fuck. Forget I said that. So I’ve been reading your blog.
MCA2004: You mean your blog?
MN: Whatever. You sound kinda angry. Is there anything you’d like to talk about?
Waitress (pouring): One frosty mug for the lesser of two evils.
MCA2004: What can you tell me about the future?
MN: There’s not much to it, really. And even if there was, I couldn’t tell you about it.
MCA2004: That’s not very helpful.
MN: I know, sorry. You remember when you drew a pot leaf in your yearbook junior year of high school and it had the wrong number of leaflets on it?
MCA2004: Yeah, it looked like a maple leaf.
MN: Well, when I read your blog from the future that’s kind of what it feels like.
MCA2004: Yes, look at you, so much older and wiser. You’re kind of a dick.
MN: At least one thing hasn’t changed.
MCA2004: Touche. So am I going to get a new job?
MN: Yes, eventually you will get a new job.
MCA2004: What kind of job?
MN: Can’t tell you.
MCA2004: Not even a hint?
MCA2004: Just tell me I’ll never work at Best Buy. I had a nightmare about that once. I was wearing uncomfortable shoes and this little Indian dude kept going on and on about cheddar cheese.
MN: You’ll never work at Best Buy. But I might just be telling you that because you told me to tell you that.
MCA2004: Fuck, I’m going to work at Best Buy, aren’t I?
MN: I never said that.
MCA2004: Hmm. You know our waitress has waitress has a nice ass.
MN: You said “waitress has” twice.
MN: Settle down, you’re only on your third beer. I thought your tolerance was higher than that.
MCA2004: I think I’ve got some reverse tolerance thing going.
MN: Oh yeah, I remember that happening sometimes.
MCA2004: So I guess you could tell me how Tennessee does over the next three seasons or so. Maybe I could bet on the games like Biff did in Back to the Future II and make us some fuckin’ money.
MN: The company that sets this up has a rule specifically forbidding sending sports results to your past self like Biff did in Back to the Future II. The penalty is death.
MCA2004: Goddamn it.
MN: Anyway, here’s ten bucks. I’ve got to take off, but just wanted to drop by and say hi. I know Reggie is probably coming by soon, and I think he’d flip his shit if he saw both of us.
MCA2004: Alright, take it easy.
MN: Don’t stay up too late. You’ve got to be up by the crack of noon to jerk off and play some Zelda on the Gamecube.
MCA2004: Thanks, I won’t.